with graduation approaching, i'm Progressing and leveling up in life. there’s lots of pressure on me because i’m set to be valedictorian… and i am becoming more responsible and whatnot. researching jobs and college and opportunities. at the same time… i think some part of me is also regressing. nowadays all i think about in my freetime is CRINGE ANIME GARBAGE!! at this point i should really be wrapping burgers in a fast food restaurant for minimum wage but No... more shows and visual novels…
i think anime has shaped my life a lot… having free rein internet access at a young age was very interesting for me! i remember being 9 and making an animated video based around a panty joke LMAOO
a while ago, i saw this art piece online of an anime girl with an exposed skeleton and internal organs… it’s called “anime gaze” by ju wang. the artist faced a lot of controversy over the piece even though she was also an otaku. i remember reading this article (go read it) where ju wang shared her experience being a female anime fan at a young age… seeing sexual content catered to male fantasies and having it affect her… but also being strongly inspired by anime in her art… kind of embarrassing but i identified with her a lot!
anyway... now that i’m seriously diving into a lot of 2000s-2010s stuff, i’m reexperiencing a lot of old feelings. shame but also ease. trying to make sense of these contradictions in my head. i've always liked anime so i'm not exactly sure where this is coming from
the other day, i had to confront my feelings about the word waifu… from my perspective now (rational) (critical thinker) i can say that waifuism is kind of a weird concept and not always the best thing. but saying shit like “nanasaki ai is best girl” gives me a strange sense of nostalgia and comfort. “matou sakura is waifu” who says that. not me. not my brain but my heart.
all this over cartoon characters that aren’t real fml… i’m feeling internally conflicted… but one day i’ll break free and i’ll be cringe and smiling brightly!!!!!!
do you know that one scene from the backrooms. “i like it in here. for the first time in a long time i feel like… like i’m right where i’m supposed to be…” yeah imagine that clip right now
"hey, it's me. it's your counselor. have you applied to 50 colleges and scholarships yet? you should! in fact the deadline for them is TOMORROW. IT'S TOMORROW. if you don't apply now you're gonna end up BEING A BUM do you want that DO YOU WANT TO BE A BUM!! anyway good luck on your senior year #peaceout"
that's how the first two months of my senior year have been. i wish my schedule could be more relaxed but it's just back-to-back AP courses. the pressure is especially bad since i have so many responsibilites now. i have a lot of leadership positions in clubs and whatnot. AND GET THIS: i'm candidate for valedictorian. why is this happening to me!!!
NEEDLESS TO SAY that happens to be why i haven't been updating very much... sorry guys!!
i've been surviving by spending all my freetime doing nerdy stuff. alongside genshin impact and ocs, the fate franchise is taking its toll on my brain. i'm also drawing a lot, but i never polish anything...
i am just living day by day. i'm only feeling the gradual change from yesterday to today and today to tomorrow...
you know the song from the cocteau twins called heaven or las vegas? when i first listened to it, i thought it was saying las vegas and heaven were the same thing. after visting the las vegas strip for a weekend, i can tell you I WAS DEAD WRONG!!! the cocteau twins were warning me they were calling it HELL THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT SIN CITY
i'm just complaining cuz i didn't get to participate in any of the night life. i was also with my family. since no legally operating club or casino or smoke shop would let me in, i was sober the entire time (which is probably not the optimal way to experience las vegas). my memory of the trip is mainly walking around and smelling the fart and weed-scented air and being blinded by all the commercials and lights. going down the street, i saw show girls whipping strangers and a breakdancing person in a gorilla costume. but at that point i genuinely could not be shocked or impressed by anything
incredibly, i felt like the las vegas strip was slightly boring and overwhelming at the same time. however. i think it is an excellent place to be depressed in. i would go there again. when i can actually go clubbing and whatever
hello everynyan it's ap season!!!! also last month i turned seventeen years old. happy birthday me!!!
i do not feel that i am seventeen yet or ready for the responsibilities that a seventeen year old should have. i think that is true for a lot of people on their birthday. or for literally every birthday ever. #growing up and all.
isn't the transition to sixteen/seventeen years old pretty crazy????? suddenly you have to learn to drive, pick out your colleges, figure out your future, get a j*b and whatever.... and all the while you're still dealing with high school math homework!!! that's really outrageous!!!!
even worse, prodigies my age are already graduating college with their fiftieth degree or phd or whatever. can you chill out?!?!?!? IN COMPARISON i feel like MYY future plans are so vague and unambitious. i'll enter some college and get some civil engineering degree and work at some engineering company. i'll get money and buy some house and buy some car. burnt out from my job, i'll go home and look on the news and see the child genius of the century just invented time travel. what the hell!!!!!!!!
everything about this place stresses me out!!!! tomorrow i have the exam for ap english language and composition and i already feel ill!!!
semester update. reflection.
forgive me for neglecting my page.... i just returned from possibly the worst semester of my life. it is a MIRACLE i have passed my exams AND with A's in all my classes with the insane amount of stress i've endured. it is Crazy. i am a perpetual motion machine. hiyaaaaaaa!!!
junior year is really Tough. i've learned that i probably have some sort of anxiety issue in the process and that's like a massive understatement. i feel i have aged 10 years in the four months i have been at school
i find it necessary to share this really corny example. the other day, i was speaking some members in my writing club and it was very obvious to me that they were Freshmen... they were kind of Loud and had this excitement i can't really replicate now. BUT i knew that In A Distant Time (when i was a freshman) i was just like them.... this EITHER MEANS i've matured OR had my soul crushed by One Million Bricks. i am not sure
now winter break is here. i hope to spend it Wisely!!! i'll go to the aquarium or something. then i will become a better person for next semester. then it will probably be a while before i update this site again..
it's been a year since i started appleyue as a silly summer project and i didn't really do anything for it... so, i used my fresh eyes and brain to revamp the homepage and wipe my old blog posts (which were all wildly embarrassing). aka: it's a whole new start. i'll try to be more active this time. i think exploring the indie web is a little healthier than doomscrolling all summer...
anyway, i ended up disappearing because #sophomore year of high school started and i decided to focus on my education. IN SHORT: sophomore year had some really high highs and really low lows that averaged out into being an alright year. some highlights:
1. i got all A's in my classes because i am an academic beast.
2. i took my first AP level class (european history). it was my favorite class and i actually loved going to it everyday
3. experienced huge fomo OH MY GOD
4. I REALIZED that people actually know me. for a long time i was very insecure and i really doubted myself and if i really existed in other people's brains. in reality, i became closer with a lot of people and made new friends. what a world right!!
5. MY CLOSE CIRCLE OF FRIENDS WENT KAPLUT!! it was particularly rough. when i brought this up to my older friends and siblings they were all like "seems normal for high school" ????
6. i used the school restrooms often and there were always people crowding up the space. typically, they were vaping. i thus developed a hatred towards it. i vowed to never vape because i never wanted to be so annoying in my life (oh also for my health ig)
there's more, but it's all very generic American Public High School Experience. it seemed an eventful year while experiencing it, but looking back it really felt like a big blah yk
as for things outside of school... i'm starting to get into more anime and games. i started watching the apothecary diaries. i played katawa shoujo, the walking dead series, needy streamer overload... others. i'm currently playing amagami and i plan to watch amagami ss when i go through all routes!
anyway. CONCLUSION: my junior year, i'll do everything right this time!!!!!